Sammie Sidelinger: Alone and Desolate

Hi everyone I'm Sammie!! I wanted to share a little bit about myself. I thought that I'd share through my writing. I'm a proud mother of three boys. I have no idea what I did to make me smile or what the hell I did with my money before I had them. Lol! My husband and I have been together since we were both in middle school. He makes me laugh, I love that about him. I'm a simple gal with a love of reading, writing and anything paranormal. <3

To the person I've lived with for as long as I can remember,

You will have good days and bad days. Days you can't drag yourself out of bed and days you don't want to shower. Your body will literally hurt. I'll be there on those days. Every one of them. Watching and cloaking anything that makes you feel a glimmer of optimism. There is no hope for you, I've stole it.

People you love will leave you and you'll feel even more alone and desolate... That's what I do. I rip your life apart one shred of hope at a time and make you feel worthless. Criminals will value themselves more than you do. I haven't left you...

Your soul will feel like it's withering and you'll feel that you have no other choice but to shrivel up like a dead rose, at the onset of winter and watch yourself disappear. Little by little each day a piece of who you were is missing.

I make incredible people worthless in their own mind. I thrive in winning and tearing the joy away from you. The worse you feel, the deeper I borough myself into you. Your heart races and some day you won't feel anything at all. I look forward to that.

If you find the courage to leave your bed, take a shower and even dress yourself. I'll paint you a distasteful picture of lies in the reflection you see in the mirror. The person you no longer recognize and the one you've come to loathe.

I make you feel weak knowing how strong you are. You have to be to fight me every single day. I am strong. The stronger I am the stronger you need to be. I whisper deceptive stories in your ear constantly and hand you a veil of darkness. You'll stop believing in your own worth. I stole your dreams and anything that ever brought you joy. You don't deserve the people in your life. They stay because they pity you. The one thing you never want... Pity is disappointment and you can't stand anymore brokenness. So you push them away but I'll remain with you steadfast.

I've planted the seeds of doubt, fear, loathing and watched it blossom and flourish into self hatred. Your lungs are so tight I'll make you feel like you can't pull in enough oxygen. You try like hell but I'll never let you catch your breath. The sweat drips down you and your fear cripples you in public so you stay alone.

The population who haven't ever dealt with me don't understand you. They can't. I make them think you're crazy and that drives you further into seclusion and you'll grow desperate for an end. Some will join me in feeding off your misfortune because like me, they feel stronger at the thought of your demise. They will become my ally. Your pulse races so hard you feel like your heart may stop. I made you believe the terrible things that has happened to you was because you weren't worthy of love or happiness and you deserved the misery. Your tears bring me alive.

You are worthy and I'll fool you into believing that your family and friends are better off without you. Each day you grow to believe my lies and build plans on them. My ability is unseen and clings tightly to your soul. I know you well and I'll squeeze anything resembling joy out of you. That's me digging my claws into your soft delicate flesh, I'm your disease for which there's no cure.

I love that you hate you,
Depression.

Dear mental Illness,

I grow stronger by the day. You have been with me as long as I can remember. I breathe today despite your constant attempts at raping my soul of joy. You stole so many things from me like love, laughter, hope, smiles, time, energy, my childhood and people I love. I couldn't possibly name everything you've taken.

Every time you whispered terrible things about me he was there. He lifted my soul and the more you hurt me the more I prayed for healing. I prayed to be saved and to take the torture away but instead of taking away the misery you inflicted. He made me stronger. He gave me a man who loves me despite my insecurity and how unworthy you made me feel. He gave us children who love me and make me see joy in each simple breath. One I will never take for granted. Unconditional love despite my sadness. No child should have to watch their mother go through depression because it hurts everyone involved. Despite that guilt you gave me, I now realize how compassionate that made my children. For that they are stronger and better people.

The strength gave me hope, the hope you tried to steal and took without my permission but I began to hand it over willingly because you blinded me. Fuck you I have it back! You stole people I loved but he replaced them with people who understood my struggle and love me despite my fears and insecurities.

He gave me an outlet to express myself through creative writing. He replaced fear with hope, loathing for love, insecurity with friends and family that believe in me. People who will help me up when I've fallen prey to your torture. They do not look down on me, we are equal.

My faith wouldn't let me die no matter how close I came to an end. You put me in a place where I allowed others to help you steal my joy and made me believe I deserved it. Fuck you both, I deserve better.

You and the people who have hate in their hearts have no room in my life. I am strong and no matter how hard you try to put stones in my path to trip over. I get out of bed and surround myself with positive people who are like minded. As deeply as you made me feel hurt, I feel love just as deeply. I win each day by loving and living, by fulfilling my goals and moving forward with love in my heart.

Confession of an empathetic writer,

Sammie Sidelinger